Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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