So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You made out with two different species that night
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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