I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
