omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
