Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
