I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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