Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
