There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
