I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
