Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
