i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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