How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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