He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
