How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
