I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
