you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
