I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
