ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just forgot I was standing up.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
