Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
