I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
