Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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