The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
