I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
