put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
