Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
