At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
