ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
