Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your shirt... Was in my pants
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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