I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
