I want to stick my p in your. b.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
