If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
