his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
