I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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