You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
