When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
