got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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