new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
