I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
