just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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