I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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