theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
