On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
