I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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