I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
