i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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