dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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