from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
