i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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