My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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