Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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